I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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