hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
