Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
