Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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