I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
false alarm, still single
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
