I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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