weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
