she takes plan B like it's going out of style
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
