She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
