Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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