So drunk its hurt
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
