this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
