Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
