I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
