Even the bartender felt bad for me
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Every concussion has its silver lining
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
