is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
she woke up with a sticky ear
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
