I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
