I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
