My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
