my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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