to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
