I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
