So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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