i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I miss vodka workout Fridays
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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