he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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