Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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