Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Randomize
