the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
so let's talk penis.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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