Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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