Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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