Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I can't turn off my feet"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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