The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
