So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
