I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
