im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
