were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
