I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
