You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
