my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
