so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
