Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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