Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
