she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
