I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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