i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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