im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
