im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
