im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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