I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
