I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
