I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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